“The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys”

So you’ve made a billion or two and life feels pretty good. Putin hasn’t decided to put you in jail yet and despite commodity prices sinking faster than your closest business rival in the Caspian Sea, you’ve got money to burn.

Well it’s time to put your mind towards the uber-important task of pimping out your floating modesty repeller with an assortment of man toys. The lime green Lamborghini isn’t cutting it anymore, so the bigger and more expensive the better.

Our list will help guide you through the top five ways to make people genuinely jealous of your ability to put taste and decency aside in the name of fun:

  1. Freestyle Cruiser Waterslide: If anything sums up the desire to state “We’re richer and having more fun than you”, then this is it. Not only does your floating shrine to capitalism rule the waves, you now have the ability to use Mother Nature’s favourite acceleration tool to enter them at speeds approaching terminal velocity. Make sure the Reef Knots swim shorts are tied tight and enjoy the ride. Cost: Bespoke.
  1. Iguana 29 Walking Boat: Once you’ve totally disengaged yourself from reality, it’s time to sign up to the walking boat. Yup, a walking boat. Proper rich people no longer leap from expensive speedboats into the swell, Gucci loafers in hand, and stride up the beach with nostrils flared. Far easier that a tender takes on the hard graft of walking from the water to your lunch reservation. And you won’t look ridiculous. At all. We promise. Cost: $290,000+ 
  1. DeepFlight Super Falcon Submarine: Hop in and soon you’ll be subtly submerged under the sea. There you can witness how your mind-blowing carbon footprint is decimating the planet first hand. Positive buoyancy (i.e. it floats if there’s a problem) means you’re unlikely to end up an embarrassing newspaper headline. Bonus. Cost: $1.7 million 
  1. Inflatable Assault Course: Let’s face it, as a billionaire you’re unlikely to be dirtying yourself on Total Wipeout. But that doesn’t mean the bouncing fun is limited to the proletariat. Just get it recreated off the stern of ‘Champers’ and get the staff to tell you when it’s ready. You also neatly avoid the painful business of having to deal with Richard Hammond. Cost: Varies on scale and size 
  1. JetLev Flyer – Jet Pack: It does look quite fun, but lets face it, you’ve still probably spent multiples of the national average wage on a machine that offers you a good chance of getting shot into the side of your beloved yacht at speed. Don’t let it put you off though. Cost: $30,000-$100,000+

So that's your little boat decked out with enough man toys to make your fellow sports club owners green with envy this summer. Let us know when you're having a boat warming and we'll dig out a bottle of Lambrini.

Patrick Dudley-Williams